I'm not sick, but I'm not well: Depression and Pandemic Fatigue
Wow, it’s been a whopping year and some change since we were first aware of COVID-19 and by this weekend it will be a year since life as we knew it stopped here in Kansas City. For a small few life might not have changed much but for most of us it did. I had just started my molecular rotations and was shopping for dresses for a graduation that never ended up happening. We were all confused, unaware and in the dark. What the heck was this thing? How bad could it actually get? No one really knew anything. I can’t believe that we are still fighting this battle. What a long arduous year it has been. We missed birthdays, celebrations, family gatherings and even the simple things like going to the movies. Life is very different now and it has been for a year, so why are we still not used to it?
At first I was accepting of everything. Quarantine? Cool, I get to be lazy at home and binge through Netflix’s entire catalog. Online lectures? Bummer, I really like the hands on work but I could deal. Wearing a mask and washing my hands often? Well, the mask is the only new habit for me but I’m in. I thought to myself, “ok, if we just follow the guidelines while my fellow scientists figure this thing out, we’ll be good.” At the beginning of all of this I was fine, motivated, hopeful. By now I am so over it I am looking down on it from space! Even for someone like me, who fully and truly understands what we are dealing with and the importance of precautions, am SO sick of it all. I’m tired of everything being different. I’m tired of not getting used to it. Tired of having to justify or defend going to a gathering or absorb the stares when you cough because you just have a tickle in your throat. I’m exhausted. I’m also not alone. This feeling we have is called Pandemic fatigue. It’s a real thing. We are all sick of this.
I read an article by the University of Massachusetts Medical School that really described what the heck is going on. Christine Runyan, PhD, professor of family medicine & community health, house officer counselor in graduate medical education and co-founder of Tend Health had a great explanation.
“The mind-body connection is actually quite sensitive to both what is real and what is imagined. So much of 2020 has been filled with uncertainty, and our brains do not like uncertainty.”
There was also this explanation from an article out of The University of California, Davis which stated
“We know there are two kinds of stress that have long-term effects on our mental well-being and physical health – intense stress and prolonged stress,” Hermanson said. “We have both.”
Feeling like total garbage because you haven’t done anything productive all year is normal. Some people have gone to full blown life overhaul and have been going a mile a minute but that doesn’t mean their any happier than we are. People are coping with this new normal in so many different ways.
Worrying, for example, can make people feel like they’re doing something and have some control. Some people get headaches, backaches or gastrointestinal symptoms. Some people cope with that nervous system activation by “contracting,” she explained. They pull into themselves, maybe increase nightly drinking. “And that can result in a downward spiral mode of motivation, energy and ultimately you’re creating the conditions within the nervous system that are very ripe for depression.” - Runyan
Ugh depression, that sad annoying friend that you just can’t shake. We meet again. I’ve dealt with my fair share of depression. I would actually go as far enough to say that I have probably spent 75% of my life being melancholy. Surprised? Why? Because I don’t walk around moping and whoaismeing? Depression, like this pandemic fatigue, manifests itself in so many ways. For me it’s a very internal struggle. A battle of wills some might say. The will to be better and the will to give up.
My sadness and depression has come in waves this year. Sometimes I’m fine, I’ve got things under control. I have a schedule and routine. I’m hitting the gym and eating right and then BAM! Next thing I know I’m on the couch in and out of comatose with Dorito crumbs as chapstick. I started to feel this way again this week which is what compelled me to share. Thankfully, I am a responsible human being with a new career so I can only indulge in the dark whole I’ve created for so long before I have to show up for work. I’ve been feeling down about everything. My life, the lack of it, the ongoing demands of being careful. I miss those I haven’t been able to physically see and touch all year. I’m sure that living alone doesn’t help and I’m also sure that a lot of you wonder if you are capable of getting away with murdering the people you live with. Basically we are all in this. I’ve been down this bumpy road and although the terrain is rough we will get through this.
Here’s some helpful tips on some ways to cope with pandemic fatigue/depression from UC Davis.
· Exercise: “It’s the No. 1 best thing we can do for coping,” she said. “Any exercise – even a simple walk – helps. It releases endorphins, gets some of the adrenaline out when the frustration builds up. Just getting out and moving can be really helpful for people.”
· Talking: “This really helps, too. Just saying it out loud is important,” Hermanson said. “Find the right places and times, but do it. Ignoring feelings doesn’t make them go away. It’s like trying to hold a beachball underwater – eventually you lose control and it pops out. You can’t control where it goes or who it hits.”
· Constructive thinking: “We may think it is the situation that causes our feelings, but actually, our feelings come from our thoughts about the situation,” she said. “We can’t change the situation, but we can adjust our thinking. Be compassionate with yourself and others. Remind yourself, ‘I’m doing the best I can.’”
· Mindfulness and gratitude: “The more you do this, the easier it gets,” she said. “Try being in the moment. You’re right here, in this chair, breathing and looking around. We put ourselves through a lot of unnecessary misery projecting into the future or ruminating about the past. For now, just take life day by day.”
She said coping can start by just being aware, and by being easy on yourself.
I didn’t realize that I had already been incorporating a lot of these coping mechanisms which I honestly think has helped me pull myself out of the pool of tears I was drowning in. My thoughts on some of the key points:
Exercise, it’s not for everyone, I get it. It doesn’t mean go out there in a your skimpiest tank top drinking gallons of water and flexing in the mirror. It could be as simple as going for a walk. Do some squats while you wait the two minutes for your Hot Pocket to not heat thoroughly. Just MOVE. Keep moving. Get those endorphins to kick in and before you know it you will start feeling better. I know for a fact that exercising helped me immensely when I was in the thick of my years long depression. Even if I didn’t “feel like it” I just showed up to the gym and started moving.
Talking. I can’t stress this enough. Please talk to someone, anyone, your pets. Talking through what you are feeling is cathartic. I personally think that seeking professional help is also good. Talking to a stranger is scary but sometimes talking to someone you care about is scarier. Whoever you feel comfortable talking to, just do it. I am also here for those who want to share. I promise, I’m really good at keeping secrets.
Constructive thinking. I definitely think that this one is the hardest to do. Like, I can’t just be like “hey heart chill out, it’s not that big a deal” and call it a day. Feelings can run deep and it’s hard to change your mindset overnight. Just take it one thought at a time. If you can notice that you are feeling/thinking negative thoughts try to refocus your brain on positive things. The more often you do it the easier it becomes.
Mindfulness and gratitude. This goes hand in hand with changing that thought process when it’s going south. We all have problems and one person’s problems may not pale in comparison to another’s BUT that doesn’t mean that the pain, sadness or whatever feels any less. I do really try to be grateful for everything that I have and I do try to be mindful of how amazing and horribly normal my life is. I know that it could be worse. I know I’ve been through worse and made it through. So I try to keep in mind that *insert cliche* this too shall pass. Life is always about ups and downs, it’s never a straight line and if it was I bet someone would find a way to complain about that too.
I think the greatest takeaway here is that you’ve got this and you are not going through it all alone. Be easy on yourself, allow yourself to feel your feelings but find the courage to move forward. You have to get up, you have to move and you have to get better. Don’t give yourself any other option. Obligate yourself to accomplish one thing everyday and you’ll see how much easier it will get and after some time you will realize you feel better.
This was a long one…. thanks for trooping through it. I’m always here if you need me.